Season of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that I woke up and could get out of bed.
Today I am thankful for my children's messy hair and sleepy eyes as they come down stairs.
Today I am thankful when they look at me and say "I love you mama."
Today I am thankful for the warmth in our home and the lights to see.
Today I am thankful for fresh clean water to shower and brush my teeth.
Today I am thankful for a healthy breakfast and food ready to prepare lunch and dinner.
Today I am thankful for a warm hat, coat and mittens to keep us warm outside.
Today I am thankful I can drive my kids to school knowing they'll get a good education.
Today I am thankful for a house to clean because it means I have one.
Today I am thankful that I can walk, jump and now run. (even as an amputee!)
Today I am thankful for a husband who loves me despite my imperfections.
Today I am thankful for a God who loves me who knows ALL my imperfections!
Today I am thankful for the freedom to say "I love the Lord and to him, I am thankful!"

Talk about Extreme Makeover!

Have you ever struggled with body image? You know, you’re out shopping and that outfit looks so cute on the hanger so you go try it on and you look like the Pillsbury dough girl trying to wear spandex. I stood in front of the mirror sobbing, wishing I could be skinnier and prettier.
I struggled with that my whole life. As a teenager I was a size 14 in a sea of size 8’s. I felt fat and ugly and not worthy of attention. Even to the point that I would bring a bottle of Ipicac Syrup home, sneak down into my bedroom, pour it into a cup and drink it down to make myself throw up.

I was desparate to be thin. All I saw was my flaws.
I used to tell people that God made me from all the spare parts he had laying around because my lower half was much bigger than my upper half and I had cankles, no ankles just your calf connecting to you foot.
All the years of yo-yo dieting and exercise left me exhausted and hungry. I just had to learn to accept who I was even though I wasn’t happy. After I started having kids, at least then, I was able to use an excuse. “my hips are so big because I’ve got kids” or “these are good birthing hips” I know I joked about it but inside I felt worthless. I didn’t fit into that mold of what I thought I should look like.
More importantly I didn’t see how god could use me as I was. I prayed that God would change me so I could be noticed.

Well he did and now I have something bigger than even most woman would ever face.

As a result of my auto accident I had my lower right leg amputated! That was a hard reality for me to face. I was 29 supposed to be in the prime of life. Yet, here I was missing my foot!
And it’s not very pretty. Sexy is out of the question. But I was forced to get over my self image issues because if I dwelled on my imperfection I would have completely shut down. And it was while I began sharing my story of my leg that I could see that God could still use me, even like this. And although I know that I am different I began to see how God loved me and I understood that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. God doesn’t need perfection to achieve his purpose. He needs me just the way that I am.

Romans 12:1 says; Therefore, I urge you in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to god. This is your spiritual act of worship.

Notice he didn’t say offer yourself only if you are a size 2, or if your nose is perfectly straight or your complexion is clear.
He just said offer yourself. Who you are right now is holy and pleasing to God. He even considers it worship. He feels honored when you give yourself to him! Isn’t that amazing!
God’s not into extreme makeover for your body as he is into extreme makeover for your soul. He did that in me because I let go of what the world said I had to look like and quit comparing myself to the Hollywood movie stars. I renewed my thinking and began to see myself as God sees me.

The next verse is Romans 12:2 and says; To not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to accept his will. His good pleasing and perfect will.

I love the end of this verse because I may not be perfect but his will is. My prosthetist once told me “you were born to be an amputee” I just said “ well, God knew I would be I’m glad he was planning ahead” And I meant it. He designed me with intimate detail and with great care and planning. He knew I would lose my leg before I was born. He knows every curve in my body and every misshapen part and loves me anyway.
Aren’t you glad that God doesn’t love us based on how we fix our hair or what clothes we wear or what we smell like. He loves us because we are a unique creation of his own design. You are unique and precious in God’s eyes. So why not offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to him
I challenge you to get over yourself, like I had to get over myself, and allow God to fill your life with purpose and passion. Know that God has a plan for you. And that plan is good, pleasing and perfect.

Take the next step

Recently I went to Las Vegas for a business conference. It was my first time in Las Vegas so during a break between sessions a group of us decided to walk the "strip". Visiting Vegas is probably one of the last places I cared to visit because I don't gamble and I had all kinds of preconceived ideas of what "sin city" would be like. But I do enjoy architecture and was fascinated by how enormous and detailed the buildings were. I was looking forward to the walk with camera slung around my neck in typical tourist fashion.
Now apparently, it never rains in Las Vegas but that morning it did. So all the smooth shiny sidewalks were slippery and a disaster waiting to happen for someone not stable on their feet. That someone was me. Down I fell. My prosthetic foot had no feeling, so naturally, I couldn't tell how slippery the sidewalk was until I committed to the step. Once my body weight was all resting on my stiff metal foot, I had no chance for correction and into the puddle I went! I some how managed to save my camera as I fell but not my nice dress pants. I was soaked and slightly soar but my pride was hurt most of all. The other girls rushed to my side and offered to help. But I got back up as quickly as I could and laughed it off. I kept on walking only to have the whole thing happen again a few feet away.
So down I went again. Not just once, nor twice but three times I fell on the busy, slick sidewalk. I could only imagine what everyone was thinking as I slowly put one foot in front of the other strategically taking each move, all the while looking like I had wet myself. I'm thankful I was not hurt during each fall and that I never dropped my camera, but my pride was another thing.
I felt singled out. Not like everyone else and for the simplest of things, I couldn't keep from falling. I threw a mental pity party "oh, how pitiful I am being an amputee. I will never be like everyone else who can be confident in every step they take. Why does life always have to be harder for me." I felt like crying or at least catching the nearest cab back to my hotel room to hide away. But as everyone around me was carrying on and enjoying their day I realized that I was the only one at my pity party. So I had to make a choice. I could stay on the ground and sulk or I could get up and enjoy the rest of our journey. I opted to keep going. I saw alot of great buildings and took lots of pictures. I had fun after all.
It would have been easy to give myself the excuse to give up and go back but I would have missed out on so much. Many "falls" in life seem to end up the same way. Rather than getting caught up in the situation and comparing ourselves to others we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay focused on enjoying MY journey. Making that decision doesn't always come naturally. I remember many times when I did stay in self pity while jealously and bitterness grew. There is nothing good that comes from that so I knew it was best to leave the self pity alone entirely.
Then I heard a great quote that changed my whole way of thinking. I believe it was Tom Barrett who said "It's not about the fall but what you do when you are down that counts." That meant so much to me because all the time I had been focusing on "poor me" and my circumstances, I was missing out on all the positive things that could come from them. I had to change my focus. Trails may come and we may fall down but we do have the choice to get back up. We can learn from it and move on. If we trust in God to help us we can persevere through some pretty tough stuff. It's helpful to remember that God doesn't promise there wont be any hard times but he does promise we don't have to face them alone. Our journey may be tough at times and we may even feel like we are given more than our fair share of troubles but be confident that no matter how many falls you take, God is with you every step of the way and will help you get back up.
Everyone's journey is different. No one travels the same road because we are free to make our own decisions that may change our direction. And sometimes our journey is different because God knows what we need to help us trust in him. He uses our trials to help us grow a little bit wiser and more dependant on him. I can think of many occasions when at the end of the trial I was able to look inside myself and see how I matured as a christian and how deeper my relationship with God had gotten. And I praise him for it even though those tough times leave me emotionally and sometimes physically bruised. It was all worth it to have a deeper walk with God.
There are even times when we face trials because God knows what our response will be and he knows that people are watching. Each time I fell, it was very public. People around were watching to see what I would do. And each time I got back up they were grateful for my attitude. When we got back to the hotel, I overheard several of them telling others about my perseverance and determination to not give up. Although, I had fallen they were able to be inspired. We may not always know if people are seeing the troubles we face but they can see our reaction to it by the attitude we take. That's why it's important to cast all your cares upon God and allow him to guide you through. Again taking the focus off yourself and even your circumstances and on to God and the everlasting peace only he can provide. I can't know for sure where my journey will take me but I do believe that he has many blessing waiting to happen if I keep taking steps forward in faith. The same is true for you!
So if you have fallen down in life. Don't sit in the puddle and cry. Get back up brush away the fear and frustration. Look up in faith and take the next step.

My Story - Part 2

2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you," says the Lord " For my strength is made perfect in weakness." There was no greater moment of weakness for my husband as he stood by my bed pleading with God to spare his wife from death. God's grace was sufficient and he covered it all!
I awoke a few days later from a coma confused by my surroundings. Mom sat on my bed next to me with concern in her eyes which turned to relief when I said "Hi Mom". Josh was asleep in the chair across the room. It hadn't yet occurred to me that he shouldn't be there. She slowly began to explain the events that brought me there. She told me the Emilee was okay but Hayden had 12" of his intestines removed. He would recover and my father in law was with him in another room. I grieved for my son. I thought of how scarred he must be and worried that he would be in pain. I was his momma, and I couldn't go to him. I wanted so badly to hold him and give him comfort.
That's when it struck me that the accident must have been pretty serious yet I had no memory of it and I felt no pain. I looked down and was shocked at all the bandages and bracing. Mom told me about my injuries and that I was lucky to still have my foot. It had been crushed and the doctors had considered amputating it right away. They pieced it back together in hopes that I could use it again.
I spent the next month in the hospital slowly recovering. My baby had survived the accident and there was high hopes that I would have a healthy pregnancy. On the day I was scheduled to leave the hospital my doctor came in for one last look. He positioned the ultra sound wand over my belly but saw no movement. Fear started to creep in. He turned on the sound. Nothing! He turned to me and sadly announced that my baby was dead! Tears filled my eyes as he turned off the monitor and quietly walked from the room. I was overwhelmed with loss. This hurt was worse than any of the physical pain I had endured. A life was gone, a life I had hoped for.
Needless to say, I went home that day in silence. Somehow I had to trust the God would help me find peace because I could not find it. Philippians 4:7 says "the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ." I prayed for that peace because I couldn't understand why I had been through so much. God was faithful and did answer my prayer. I did find peace though the recovery was long and painful. You see he doesn't always save us from the storm. Some times he teaches us to dance in the rain.
I made several more visits to the hospital for various things over the next few months. Each time I thought "okay, why me again. Can't I just heal and move on. When was things going to get better." Well, then came some good news. I was pregnant again! We were very happy and saw this as the new beginning. I was ready to move on. I got busy with physical therapy and trying to walk and everything appeared to be on the up and up. But, a month later I went back to the hospital. This time with pain in my groin. I feared the worse for my baby and I was right. The ultrasound showed that my baby was dead! We were sent back to my room to wait to be discharged. As I sat on the bed filled with grief I started to feel labor pains. Contractions came and went and I felt the urge to push. The nurse rushed in to help. Then, she suddenly stopped with a gasp and surprise on her face as she held up our little tiny baby in her hand.
He was no bigger that the size of my thumb yet he was perfectly formed. No question that he was a baby even for 11 weeks. Josh and I burst into tears as we held his lifeless body in the palm of our hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. This was my baby! We had a name already picked out for him. And yes we could even tell he was a boy. We took Ethan Doyle Kniss home in a small jewelry box and buried him in the cemetery. We stood over his grave in paralyzing grief, no words would come. Later that night in the darkness of despair I cried out to God " God why? You say to give you glory in everything but how can I give you glory in the loss of my child?" This was too much. When was enough going to be enough.
Then I remembered the story of Job. He had lost everything. All his children, his health, his land and wealth yet he still praised God. I read through his story several times and what God showed me humbled me. I don't get to ask "why". God is the creator of everything. He is the beginning and the end. I was not there when he created the heavens and the earth. I was not there when he formed man. I was not there as his son died on the cross for my sins. That was his ultimate sacrifice for us. Who am I to ask almighty God "why"
My calling was simple. Be still and know that I am God! Rather than get all worked up shouting out that I had been wronged. "Be still.... and know that I am God...." It was in that "stillness" I knew that just as he restored Job he would restore me too. And you know what? He did!
The next year, Brenden was born! A beautiful healthy red headed baby boy. Just when we had given up on the desire to have another baby. Oh what joy we had in holding him! God had taken all that loss and blessed us with our child. I had put all my trust in him and I was filled with the peace that passes all understanding, God's grace was sufficient and the power of prayer was unquestionable. I had learned so much.

My story: Part 1

Here is part of my speech: It begins with the post I did about Hopeless and leads into this. So just know when you start to read this it is picking up from that beginning. I would appreciate any feed back about flow and content. I'm not done, of course, as I am debating my next sentences. Suggestions on where I should go from there are welcome too.

You see, when our van was hit head on and the truck that hit me burst into flames, I was unconscious and trapped! The witness pulled my kids from the van but watched helpless as I was losing blood and struggling for life. They feared I would be burned alive.
It was just then that a state trooper, who “happened” to be driving along quickly acted by ramming the truck off my van. Minutes later the ambulance crew pried me from the wreckage with the Jaws of Life. I was unresponsive and barely breathing. The outlook appeared grim as I was rushed to the hospital. So severe in fact that I was later air lifted to Spectrum hospital 2 hours away.
My mom recalls arriving at the hospital a midst a flurry of activity. A social worker paced anxiously for her to come and identify the kids. Hayden had been hurt with internal injuries and was being treated. Emilee was okay but they were both scared. And after she provided as much comfort to them as she could she was rushed in to identify me.
A team of doctors and nurses surrounded my bed, working at every angle to stabilize my heart, stop the rapid blood loss and evaluate the extent of my injuries. Mom stared at my lifeless body unbelieving that this could be HER daughter. “That’s Katie, she’s pregnant!” (pause) Everyone in the room froze. I was 2 months pregnant and excited about the arrival of our 4th child. But now the outlook was bleak as their first priority was to keep me alive.
But God’s healing hand was on me. Prayers were being answered as more and more gathered to pray. And it’s at times like these when all we can do is pray and no matter how strong we may be we are nothing without him! But if we put our hope in the Lord he will lift us up and we will soar on the wings of eagles! (Isaiah 40:31)
Family and friends pulled together to care for our needs at home and word went out from the Red Cross to find my husband!
Josh was in the midst of battle in Iraq when the accident happened. Bullets flew inched from his head when 2 others in his unit were hit by an I.E.D. Because he was the trained medic he cared for them as they were air lifted back to the infirmary. That’s where the Red Cross found him and delivered the message. The details were vague and he was told that his wife had been in serious accident with a head injury and multiple broken bones. And that they were unsure if I’d be alive by the time he arrived home.
It took 4 long days for him to get home. He was desperate to get to me worried that he’d be too late. When he finally arrived he walked into my room. There I was in a coma with a breathing tube and several other machines that kept me alive. Josh stood there stunned and speechless as he waved everyone out of the room. When the door shut he fell to his knees at my bedside a completely broken man. He pleaded to God for my life. He had nothing left but to trust in He who saves.

The Gift of Life

Last night as I lay in bed watching my little boy sleep, I was reminded of how precious life is and how easy it is to take even that for granted. Of all the things we see and do during our daily routine it's easy to assume that it'll always be there. How often do we stop what we are doing to say "thanks" to almightly God for the many blessing he has given us from the house we live in right down to the air that we breath.
My husband, Josh, and I have been in that particular place not too long ago. As Josh was preparing to go to Iraq he spent much of the summer in California with his Marine unit training for battle. As the day of deployment neared he was given 4 "free" days. So as a spur of the moment trip, I flew out to see him with our 1 year old daughter. We spent the next 4 days touring Palm Springs and relaxing in our hotel. Every moment with him was precious. I hung onto every conversation and photographed every time he snuggled with his little girl. Each moment not sure if this would be the last time we would see him. There are no certainties with war. No guarantee that he would live through the battles he was about to face. It was knowing that that left me treasuring every minute we had. Little did I know that just a few months later it would be me that life had become so uncertain.
Josh did come home and sooner than had expected. He came home to be by my bedside in the intensive care unit at Spectrum Hospital. The auto accident I had been in left me physically broken and struggling for life. Josh was sent home with the understanding that it might be to prepare my funeral! We found ourselves, roles reversed, treasuring every minute we had. When I woke from a week long coma, I was relieved to see him alive and safe and he looked at me with that same relief. We cherished the breaths we took together at that moment and were overwhelmed with how precious life is. We were forever changed and not a day goes by that we are not grateful for each other.
Life is a precious gift. If you just took a breath of air, be thankful. You are blessed!

Hopeless

Have you ever felt hopeless? Your so overwhelmed you feel like you can't breath. You've exhausted all your resources, energy and joy. Your situation is your only focus and you are cornered. The only way out is by making choices you don't want to make because you fear the outcome.
I'll always remember the look my doctor had as he examined my x-rays. He stood there scratching his head with a frown, excused himself with x-rays in hand and returned with a solemn expression. "I'm sorry Katie but your ankle has rebroke. It's beyond repair. You're only choices are ankle fusion or amputation!" At that moment it felt like he had just sucked all the air out of my lungs. I couldn't breath for a second as I let the horrible truth sink in. 'this can't be happening, not me. I'm 29, I'm a mom, I've got a life I want to live. This would surely be the end of it. No, there's got to be another answer. I'll just get a second opinion.' That was my exact thoughts when I left the office. But after my 4th opinion it had finally sunk in that I would have to make the decision. Fusion or amputation. I felt hopeless!
It took weeks to let it sink in before I could begin to make that decision. My wonderful husband was very practical "Just get it cut off and move on" was his advice. That did not provide any encouragement, I revolted at the thought. So when the vail of hopelessness covered me I turned to God. I didn't just pray. I prayed without ceasing! I prayed that God would help me make the right decision and give me peace. By this time in life I knew that I could trust God. He had answered so many prayers. But this was a permanent decision and neither outcome seemed promising.
God did give an answer and once the decision was made the vail of hopelessness was lifted and I was blanketed with peace. Only God can provide a peace like that. My soul was still and I rested in the joy that comes from trusting God. No matter what your facing turn to God he will give you answers and peace. He will provide hope in a hopeless situation.

One day I'll get it right

I'm so new at this blogging thing. It's still is funny even for me to say the word "blog"! Who came up with that one? At any rate, here I am with my 3rd attempt to get this down. With God's grace I will become proficient, I should start praying now! I will have more interesting things to talk about later... promise.