My Story - Part 2

2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you," says the Lord " For my strength is made perfect in weakness." There was no greater moment of weakness for my husband as he stood by my bed pleading with God to spare his wife from death. God's grace was sufficient and he covered it all!
I awoke a few days later from a coma confused by my surroundings. Mom sat on my bed next to me with concern in her eyes which turned to relief when I said "Hi Mom". Josh was asleep in the chair across the room. It hadn't yet occurred to me that he shouldn't be there. She slowly began to explain the events that brought me there. She told me the Emilee was okay but Hayden had 12" of his intestines removed. He would recover and my father in law was with him in another room. I grieved for my son. I thought of how scarred he must be and worried that he would be in pain. I was his momma, and I couldn't go to him. I wanted so badly to hold him and give him comfort.
That's when it struck me that the accident must have been pretty serious yet I had no memory of it and I felt no pain. I looked down and was shocked at all the bandages and bracing. Mom told me about my injuries and that I was lucky to still have my foot. It had been crushed and the doctors had considered amputating it right away. They pieced it back together in hopes that I could use it again.
I spent the next month in the hospital slowly recovering. My baby had survived the accident and there was high hopes that I would have a healthy pregnancy. On the day I was scheduled to leave the hospital my doctor came in for one last look. He positioned the ultra sound wand over my belly but saw no movement. Fear started to creep in. He turned on the sound. Nothing! He turned to me and sadly announced that my baby was dead! Tears filled my eyes as he turned off the monitor and quietly walked from the room. I was overwhelmed with loss. This hurt was worse than any of the physical pain I had endured. A life was gone, a life I had hoped for.
Needless to say, I went home that day in silence. Somehow I had to trust the God would help me find peace because I could not find it. Philippians 4:7 says "the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ." I prayed for that peace because I couldn't understand why I had been through so much. God was faithful and did answer my prayer. I did find peace though the recovery was long and painful. You see he doesn't always save us from the storm. Some times he teaches us to dance in the rain.
I made several more visits to the hospital for various things over the next few months. Each time I thought "okay, why me again. Can't I just heal and move on. When was things going to get better." Well, then came some good news. I was pregnant again! We were very happy and saw this as the new beginning. I was ready to move on. I got busy with physical therapy and trying to walk and everything appeared to be on the up and up. But, a month later I went back to the hospital. This time with pain in my groin. I feared the worse for my baby and I was right. The ultrasound showed that my baby was dead! We were sent back to my room to wait to be discharged. As I sat on the bed filled with grief I started to feel labor pains. Contractions came and went and I felt the urge to push. The nurse rushed in to help. Then, she suddenly stopped with a gasp and surprise on her face as she held up our little tiny baby in her hand.
He was no bigger that the size of my thumb yet he was perfectly formed. No question that he was a baby even for 11 weeks. Josh and I burst into tears as we held his lifeless body in the palm of our hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. This was my baby! We had a name already picked out for him. And yes we could even tell he was a boy. We took Ethan Doyle Kniss home in a small jewelry box and buried him in the cemetery. We stood over his grave in paralyzing grief, no words would come. Later that night in the darkness of despair I cried out to God " God why? You say to give you glory in everything but how can I give you glory in the loss of my child?" This was too much. When was enough going to be enough.
Then I remembered the story of Job. He had lost everything. All his children, his health, his land and wealth yet he still praised God. I read through his story several times and what God showed me humbled me. I don't get to ask "why". God is the creator of everything. He is the beginning and the end. I was not there when he created the heavens and the earth. I was not there when he formed man. I was not there as his son died on the cross for my sins. That was his ultimate sacrifice for us. Who am I to ask almighty God "why"
My calling was simple. Be still and know that I am God! Rather than get all worked up shouting out that I had been wronged. "Be still.... and know that I am God...." It was in that "stillness" I knew that just as he restored Job he would restore me too. And you know what? He did!
The next year, Brenden was born! A beautiful healthy red headed baby boy. Just when we had given up on the desire to have another baby. Oh what joy we had in holding him! God had taken all that loss and blessed us with our child. I had put all my trust in him and I was filled with the peace that passes all understanding, God's grace was sufficient and the power of prayer was unquestionable. I had learned so much.

My story: Part 1

Here is part of my speech: It begins with the post I did about Hopeless and leads into this. So just know when you start to read this it is picking up from that beginning. I would appreciate any feed back about flow and content. I'm not done, of course, as I am debating my next sentences. Suggestions on where I should go from there are welcome too.

You see, when our van was hit head on and the truck that hit me burst into flames, I was unconscious and trapped! The witness pulled my kids from the van but watched helpless as I was losing blood and struggling for life. They feared I would be burned alive.
It was just then that a state trooper, who “happened” to be driving along quickly acted by ramming the truck off my van. Minutes later the ambulance crew pried me from the wreckage with the Jaws of Life. I was unresponsive and barely breathing. The outlook appeared grim as I was rushed to the hospital. So severe in fact that I was later air lifted to Spectrum hospital 2 hours away.
My mom recalls arriving at the hospital a midst a flurry of activity. A social worker paced anxiously for her to come and identify the kids. Hayden had been hurt with internal injuries and was being treated. Emilee was okay but they were both scared. And after she provided as much comfort to them as she could she was rushed in to identify me.
A team of doctors and nurses surrounded my bed, working at every angle to stabilize my heart, stop the rapid blood loss and evaluate the extent of my injuries. Mom stared at my lifeless body unbelieving that this could be HER daughter. “That’s Katie, she’s pregnant!” (pause) Everyone in the room froze. I was 2 months pregnant and excited about the arrival of our 4th child. But now the outlook was bleak as their first priority was to keep me alive.
But God’s healing hand was on me. Prayers were being answered as more and more gathered to pray. And it’s at times like these when all we can do is pray and no matter how strong we may be we are nothing without him! But if we put our hope in the Lord he will lift us up and we will soar on the wings of eagles! (Isaiah 40:31)
Family and friends pulled together to care for our needs at home and word went out from the Red Cross to find my husband!
Josh was in the midst of battle in Iraq when the accident happened. Bullets flew inched from his head when 2 others in his unit were hit by an I.E.D. Because he was the trained medic he cared for them as they were air lifted back to the infirmary. That’s where the Red Cross found him and delivered the message. The details were vague and he was told that his wife had been in serious accident with a head injury and multiple broken bones. And that they were unsure if I’d be alive by the time he arrived home.
It took 4 long days for him to get home. He was desperate to get to me worried that he’d be too late. When he finally arrived he walked into my room. There I was in a coma with a breathing tube and several other machines that kept me alive. Josh stood there stunned and speechless as he waved everyone out of the room. When the door shut he fell to his knees at my bedside a completely broken man. He pleaded to God for my life. He had nothing left but to trust in He who saves.

The Gift of Life

Last night as I lay in bed watching my little boy sleep, I was reminded of how precious life is and how easy it is to take even that for granted. Of all the things we see and do during our daily routine it's easy to assume that it'll always be there. How often do we stop what we are doing to say "thanks" to almightly God for the many blessing he has given us from the house we live in right down to the air that we breath.
My husband, Josh, and I have been in that particular place not too long ago. As Josh was preparing to go to Iraq he spent much of the summer in California with his Marine unit training for battle. As the day of deployment neared he was given 4 "free" days. So as a spur of the moment trip, I flew out to see him with our 1 year old daughter. We spent the next 4 days touring Palm Springs and relaxing in our hotel. Every moment with him was precious. I hung onto every conversation and photographed every time he snuggled with his little girl. Each moment not sure if this would be the last time we would see him. There are no certainties with war. No guarantee that he would live through the battles he was about to face. It was knowing that that left me treasuring every minute we had. Little did I know that just a few months later it would be me that life had become so uncertain.
Josh did come home and sooner than had expected. He came home to be by my bedside in the intensive care unit at Spectrum Hospital. The auto accident I had been in left me physically broken and struggling for life. Josh was sent home with the understanding that it might be to prepare my funeral! We found ourselves, roles reversed, treasuring every minute we had. When I woke from a week long coma, I was relieved to see him alive and safe and he looked at me with that same relief. We cherished the breaths we took together at that moment and were overwhelmed with how precious life is. We were forever changed and not a day goes by that we are not grateful for each other.
Life is a precious gift. If you just took a breath of air, be thankful. You are blessed!

Hopeless

Have you ever felt hopeless? Your so overwhelmed you feel like you can't breath. You've exhausted all your resources, energy and joy. Your situation is your only focus and you are cornered. The only way out is by making choices you don't want to make because you fear the outcome.
I'll always remember the look my doctor had as he examined my x-rays. He stood there scratching his head with a frown, excused himself with x-rays in hand and returned with a solemn expression. "I'm sorry Katie but your ankle has rebroke. It's beyond repair. You're only choices are ankle fusion or amputation!" At that moment it felt like he had just sucked all the air out of my lungs. I couldn't breath for a second as I let the horrible truth sink in. 'this can't be happening, not me. I'm 29, I'm a mom, I've got a life I want to live. This would surely be the end of it. No, there's got to be another answer. I'll just get a second opinion.' That was my exact thoughts when I left the office. But after my 4th opinion it had finally sunk in that I would have to make the decision. Fusion or amputation. I felt hopeless!
It took weeks to let it sink in before I could begin to make that decision. My wonderful husband was very practical "Just get it cut off and move on" was his advice. That did not provide any encouragement, I revolted at the thought. So when the vail of hopelessness covered me I turned to God. I didn't just pray. I prayed without ceasing! I prayed that God would help me make the right decision and give me peace. By this time in life I knew that I could trust God. He had answered so many prayers. But this was a permanent decision and neither outcome seemed promising.
God did give an answer and once the decision was made the vail of hopelessness was lifted and I was blanketed with peace. Only God can provide a peace like that. My soul was still and I rested in the joy that comes from trusting God. No matter what your facing turn to God he will give you answers and peace. He will provide hope in a hopeless situation.

One day I'll get it right

I'm so new at this blogging thing. It's still is funny even for me to say the word "blog"! Who came up with that one? At any rate, here I am with my 3rd attempt to get this down. With God's grace I will become proficient, I should start praying now! I will have more interesting things to talk about later... promise.