My Story - Part 2

2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you," says the Lord " For my strength is made perfect in weakness." There was no greater moment of weakness for my husband as he stood by my bed pleading with God to spare his wife from death. God's grace was sufficient and he covered it all!
I awoke a few days later from a coma confused by my surroundings. Mom sat on my bed next to me with concern in her eyes which turned to relief when I said "Hi Mom". Josh was asleep in the chair across the room. It hadn't yet occurred to me that he shouldn't be there. She slowly began to explain the events that brought me there. She told me the Emilee was okay but Hayden had 12" of his intestines removed. He would recover and my father in law was with him in another room. I grieved for my son. I thought of how scarred he must be and worried that he would be in pain. I was his momma, and I couldn't go to him. I wanted so badly to hold him and give him comfort.
That's when it struck me that the accident must have been pretty serious yet I had no memory of it and I felt no pain. I looked down and was shocked at all the bandages and bracing. Mom told me about my injuries and that I was lucky to still have my foot. It had been crushed and the doctors had considered amputating it right away. They pieced it back together in hopes that I could use it again.
I spent the next month in the hospital slowly recovering. My baby had survived the accident and there was high hopes that I would have a healthy pregnancy. On the day I was scheduled to leave the hospital my doctor came in for one last look. He positioned the ultra sound wand over my belly but saw no movement. Fear started to creep in. He turned on the sound. Nothing! He turned to me and sadly announced that my baby was dead! Tears filled my eyes as he turned off the monitor and quietly walked from the room. I was overwhelmed with loss. This hurt was worse than any of the physical pain I had endured. A life was gone, a life I had hoped for.
Needless to say, I went home that day in silence. Somehow I had to trust the God would help me find peace because I could not find it. Philippians 4:7 says "the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ." I prayed for that peace because I couldn't understand why I had been through so much. God was faithful and did answer my prayer. I did find peace though the recovery was long and painful. You see he doesn't always save us from the storm. Some times he teaches us to dance in the rain.
I made several more visits to the hospital for various things over the next few months. Each time I thought "okay, why me again. Can't I just heal and move on. When was things going to get better." Well, then came some good news. I was pregnant again! We were very happy and saw this as the new beginning. I was ready to move on. I got busy with physical therapy and trying to walk and everything appeared to be on the up and up. But, a month later I went back to the hospital. This time with pain in my groin. I feared the worse for my baby and I was right. The ultrasound showed that my baby was dead! We were sent back to my room to wait to be discharged. As I sat on the bed filled with grief I started to feel labor pains. Contractions came and went and I felt the urge to push. The nurse rushed in to help. Then, she suddenly stopped with a gasp and surprise on her face as she held up our little tiny baby in her hand.
He was no bigger that the size of my thumb yet he was perfectly formed. No question that he was a baby even for 11 weeks. Josh and I burst into tears as we held his lifeless body in the palm of our hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. This was my baby! We had a name already picked out for him. And yes we could even tell he was a boy. We took Ethan Doyle Kniss home in a small jewelry box and buried him in the cemetery. We stood over his grave in paralyzing grief, no words would come. Later that night in the darkness of despair I cried out to God " God why? You say to give you glory in everything but how can I give you glory in the loss of my child?" This was too much. When was enough going to be enough.
Then I remembered the story of Job. He had lost everything. All his children, his health, his land and wealth yet he still praised God. I read through his story several times and what God showed me humbled me. I don't get to ask "why". God is the creator of everything. He is the beginning and the end. I was not there when he created the heavens and the earth. I was not there when he formed man. I was not there as his son died on the cross for my sins. That was his ultimate sacrifice for us. Who am I to ask almighty God "why"
My calling was simple. Be still and know that I am God! Rather than get all worked up shouting out that I had been wronged. "Be still.... and know that I am God...." It was in that "stillness" I knew that just as he restored Job he would restore me too. And you know what? He did!
The next year, Brenden was born! A beautiful healthy red headed baby boy. Just when we had given up on the desire to have another baby. Oh what joy we had in holding him! God had taken all that loss and blessed us with our child. I had put all my trust in him and I was filled with the peace that passes all understanding, God's grace was sufficient and the power of prayer was unquestionable. I had learned so much.