Prayer Request

Have you ever felt like God was telling you to do something and made it so clear that you just can't deny it. The problem is you don't know how to go about it or even exactly what it is you're supposed to do?
Let me explain. God has laid it on my heart to go back to Charlotte North Carolina over spring break to speak. I have this constant tugging that there is at least someone, maybe many, down there who need to hear my story. I don't know who and I don't know where. In fact, while I've got some leads, I don't have any speaking events booked. I may have to go stand on the street corner and tell anyone who will listen. But I trust it wont come to that. However, as we get closer to the date I'm getting increasingly antsy about the schedule.
If you haven't figured it out by now, you'll see that I live by my schedule and need to have things planned in advance. At least for this trip it will provide reassurance that I'm going down for purposeful reason. I want to be prepared. So my first prayer request is for speaking events. I know that God has good work that he is preparing in advance and I'm relying on that. But I need to have my path a little more visible.
The second part of my prayer request is a little more touchy. And that is how I'm going to pay for it. Right now I"m going on nothing. Again, I trust God will provide but as the date is getting closer and I probably should be making reservations, I am getting antsy.
I am planning on taking my 4 kids and 2 nannies which will make for a fun adventure and I'm excited about the experience for my kids. But don't want to have to sleep in the truck and work for our food.... again, I know it wont get to that but having that figured out now would put me at ease. I have estimated what the cost of such an adventure would be and figured that if I sell my diamond earrings (a mother's day present) that should cover it. Great! Now getting someone to buy them. I'm a novice at Craig's list and E-bay but managed to list them. However, I haven't gotten any takers and aside from selling them I am fresh out of ideas.
So, apart from the knowledge that I need to go, God has been mysterious on all the rest of the details. I am hopeing for some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. The practical side of me says "I"m nuts" The spiritual side says "God will provide, somehow" But please hurry, God and show me how.
So I thought it fitting to petition you for prayer or advice or contacts in that area. Most of all prayer for clarity and direction!
Thank you and God Bless you all!

God's love is for everyone

Today at church our pastor interviewed me about my story along with a few other families and their stories. Since they went first I was able to listen to the details of their trials, trying not to cry before I went up. (no luck) I was amazed, however, to hear their stories and the struggles they had to face.
The first family talked of the trials and heartache of having a child with Downs Syndrome but how God used that little boy to grow their faith and draw them closer to Him. As the little boy, Noah, was up on stage with them, it was evident to all that he was truly a blessing. Little Noah not only had the love of his parents but he captured the heart of the whole church as he sang "God Bless America" in his own words. He was a shining example of the grace of God through disability. The love for him and the love for God his parents had was uplifting and inspiring.
The next lady interviewed had terminally cancer. It is incurable and she is running out of time. I could not hold back tears as she talked about her surrender to God and acceptance of her fate. The quiet strength and undieing faith were moving to all there. I remember thinking "wow, I don't know if I could be that courageous if faced with her condition." She has a love for God that allows her peace and perhaps a little readiness to be with Him. She is amazing to me!
Then it was my turn. As I shared my story, I was reminded of the overwhelming hurt and loss of that time but also the undeniable answer to prayer and the peace that only comes from God. I have to shake my head sometimes at the memory of it all and am amazed of what we endured. I know it was inspirational to others but like the first two families, don't feel like the glory goes to me. Without doubt it goes to almighty God.
What is truly incredible to me is the love that God has for everyone. Any one of use can go through terrible trials and His love, compassion and peace is sufficient for us all. Why some endure more than others, I don't know. But I am for certain that we are all capable, through him, to withstand more than we think ourselves able. His love for the poor, uneducated and diseased is just as strong as the rich, genius and beautiful. I love that about God because he does not hold me to any earthly standards. The rest of the world may judge me based on my status, looks and abilities, but He does not. His strength is suffecient for all struggles, trials and fears. He is greater than all these and carries us through our darkest hours.
As I was leaving the church, a man thanked me for sharing and said that he would not have had the strength like I did. I told him that he would have because my strength didn't come from me. It came from God and he would do the same for him if he was given a trial to face. We are all children of God. And just as I am a parent, he does not love one child more than another.
So trust me friend, when and if you face difficult struggles in life, believe that God will give you the peace and courage to go through it. He will be by your side holding you up not willing that you would fall. He is your comfort, he is your peace, he is your strength, he is your provider, he is your heavenly father!

God's plan is always the best.

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.' I love the fact that God already knows his plan for you. He has it all laid out before him and it's a 'good, pleasing and perfect plan' (Romans 12:2). I think about how often I feel lost with my direction. Not really sure where I am going or what I am supposed to do with my life. Then I remember those verses and am rest assured that God's got it figured out. My part is to lean on Him and walk with Him down the path. Without Him I will surely stray or stop when the going gets tough. I believe God wants us to move forward. He wants success for every one of us.
I used to think that I'd get moving with my life as soon as God sent me a letter describing exactly what he wants me to do. But the problem was that I was waiting. It wasn't until I got up and started moving and praying with each step for guidance that I started to see the path in front of me. It had been there the whole time. God is faithful he will guide. He will close doors and open others to help us along the way. It's my job to keep moving and keep trusting in Him.
I've been over a lot of bumps on my path but now more than ever I feel that he is right beside me. I am walking side by side with my Father and he is so excited about were we are going. There are many things he can't wait to show me.
I get excited too and I have asked him "Are we there yet?" "When, Lord, When" But he just whispers to me. 'Be patient and know that I am God.' I truly love my Father and trust Him with my journey. I will do all I can to keep my eyes focused on what's ahead and my feet steady to withstand discouraging bumps. I pray this for everyone because there is great joy in know that you are on the right path and it is His perfect plan.

Season of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that I woke up and could get out of bed.
Today I am thankful for my children's messy hair and sleepy eyes as they come down stairs.
Today I am thankful when they look at me and say "I love you mama."
Today I am thankful for the warmth in our home and the lights to see.
Today I am thankful for fresh clean water to shower and brush my teeth.
Today I am thankful for a healthy breakfast and food ready to prepare lunch and dinner.
Today I am thankful for a warm hat, coat and mittens to keep us warm outside.
Today I am thankful I can drive my kids to school knowing they'll get a good education.
Today I am thankful for a house to clean because it means I have one.
Today I am thankful that I can walk, jump and now run. (even as an amputee!)
Today I am thankful for a husband who loves me despite my imperfections.
Today I am thankful for a God who loves me who knows ALL my imperfections!
Today I am thankful for the freedom to say "I love the Lord and to him, I am thankful!"

Talk about Extreme Makeover!

Have you ever struggled with body image? You know, you’re out shopping and that outfit looks so cute on the hanger so you go try it on and you look like the Pillsbury dough girl trying to wear spandex. I stood in front of the mirror sobbing, wishing I could be skinnier and prettier.
I struggled with that my whole life. As a teenager I was a size 14 in a sea of size 8’s. I felt fat and ugly and not worthy of attention. Even to the point that I would bring a bottle of Ipicac Syrup home, sneak down into my bedroom, pour it into a cup and drink it down to make myself throw up.

I was desparate to be thin. All I saw was my flaws.
I used to tell people that God made me from all the spare parts he had laying around because my lower half was much bigger than my upper half and I had cankles, no ankles just your calf connecting to you foot.
All the years of yo-yo dieting and exercise left me exhausted and hungry. I just had to learn to accept who I was even though I wasn’t happy. After I started having kids, at least then, I was able to use an excuse. “my hips are so big because I’ve got kids” or “these are good birthing hips” I know I joked about it but inside I felt worthless. I didn’t fit into that mold of what I thought I should look like.
More importantly I didn’t see how god could use me as I was. I prayed that God would change me so I could be noticed.

Well he did and now I have something bigger than even most woman would ever face.

As a result of my auto accident I had my lower right leg amputated! That was a hard reality for me to face. I was 29 supposed to be in the prime of life. Yet, here I was missing my foot!
And it’s not very pretty. Sexy is out of the question. But I was forced to get over my self image issues because if I dwelled on my imperfection I would have completely shut down. And it was while I began sharing my story of my leg that I could see that God could still use me, even like this. And although I know that I am different I began to see how God loved me and I understood that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. God doesn’t need perfection to achieve his purpose. He needs me just the way that I am.

Romans 12:1 says; Therefore, I urge you in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to god. This is your spiritual act of worship.

Notice he didn’t say offer yourself only if you are a size 2, or if your nose is perfectly straight or your complexion is clear.
He just said offer yourself. Who you are right now is holy and pleasing to God. He even considers it worship. He feels honored when you give yourself to him! Isn’t that amazing!
God’s not into extreme makeover for your body as he is into extreme makeover for your soul. He did that in me because I let go of what the world said I had to look like and quit comparing myself to the Hollywood movie stars. I renewed my thinking and began to see myself as God sees me.

The next verse is Romans 12:2 and says; To not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to accept his will. His good pleasing and perfect will.

I love the end of this verse because I may not be perfect but his will is. My prosthetist once told me “you were born to be an amputee” I just said “ well, God knew I would be I’m glad he was planning ahead” And I meant it. He designed me with intimate detail and with great care and planning. He knew I would lose my leg before I was born. He knows every curve in my body and every misshapen part and loves me anyway.
Aren’t you glad that God doesn’t love us based on how we fix our hair or what clothes we wear or what we smell like. He loves us because we are a unique creation of his own design. You are unique and precious in God’s eyes. So why not offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to him
I challenge you to get over yourself, like I had to get over myself, and allow God to fill your life with purpose and passion. Know that God has a plan for you. And that plan is good, pleasing and perfect.

Take the next step

Recently I went to Las Vegas for a business conference. It was my first time in Las Vegas so during a break between sessions a group of us decided to walk the "strip". Visiting Vegas is probably one of the last places I cared to visit because I don't gamble and I had all kinds of preconceived ideas of what "sin city" would be like. But I do enjoy architecture and was fascinated by how enormous and detailed the buildings were. I was looking forward to the walk with camera slung around my neck in typical tourist fashion.
Now apparently, it never rains in Las Vegas but that morning it did. So all the smooth shiny sidewalks were slippery and a disaster waiting to happen for someone not stable on their feet. That someone was me. Down I fell. My prosthetic foot had no feeling, so naturally, I couldn't tell how slippery the sidewalk was until I committed to the step. Once my body weight was all resting on my stiff metal foot, I had no chance for correction and into the puddle I went! I some how managed to save my camera as I fell but not my nice dress pants. I was soaked and slightly soar but my pride was hurt most of all. The other girls rushed to my side and offered to help. But I got back up as quickly as I could and laughed it off. I kept on walking only to have the whole thing happen again a few feet away.
So down I went again. Not just once, nor twice but three times I fell on the busy, slick sidewalk. I could only imagine what everyone was thinking as I slowly put one foot in front of the other strategically taking each move, all the while looking like I had wet myself. I'm thankful I was not hurt during each fall and that I never dropped my camera, but my pride was another thing.
I felt singled out. Not like everyone else and for the simplest of things, I couldn't keep from falling. I threw a mental pity party "oh, how pitiful I am being an amputee. I will never be like everyone else who can be confident in every step they take. Why does life always have to be harder for me." I felt like crying or at least catching the nearest cab back to my hotel room to hide away. But as everyone around me was carrying on and enjoying their day I realized that I was the only one at my pity party. So I had to make a choice. I could stay on the ground and sulk or I could get up and enjoy the rest of our journey. I opted to keep going. I saw alot of great buildings and took lots of pictures. I had fun after all.
It would have been easy to give myself the excuse to give up and go back but I would have missed out on so much. Many "falls" in life seem to end up the same way. Rather than getting caught up in the situation and comparing ourselves to others we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay focused on enjoying MY journey. Making that decision doesn't always come naturally. I remember many times when I did stay in self pity while jealously and bitterness grew. There is nothing good that comes from that so I knew it was best to leave the self pity alone entirely.
Then I heard a great quote that changed my whole way of thinking. I believe it was Tom Barrett who said "It's not about the fall but what you do when you are down that counts." That meant so much to me because all the time I had been focusing on "poor me" and my circumstances, I was missing out on all the positive things that could come from them. I had to change my focus. Trails may come and we may fall down but we do have the choice to get back up. We can learn from it and move on. If we trust in God to help us we can persevere through some pretty tough stuff. It's helpful to remember that God doesn't promise there wont be any hard times but he does promise we don't have to face them alone. Our journey may be tough at times and we may even feel like we are given more than our fair share of troubles but be confident that no matter how many falls you take, God is with you every step of the way and will help you get back up.
Everyone's journey is different. No one travels the same road because we are free to make our own decisions that may change our direction. And sometimes our journey is different because God knows what we need to help us trust in him. He uses our trials to help us grow a little bit wiser and more dependant on him. I can think of many occasions when at the end of the trial I was able to look inside myself and see how I matured as a christian and how deeper my relationship with God had gotten. And I praise him for it even though those tough times leave me emotionally and sometimes physically bruised. It was all worth it to have a deeper walk with God.
There are even times when we face trials because God knows what our response will be and he knows that people are watching. Each time I fell, it was very public. People around were watching to see what I would do. And each time I got back up they were grateful for my attitude. When we got back to the hotel, I overheard several of them telling others about my perseverance and determination to not give up. Although, I had fallen they were able to be inspired. We may not always know if people are seeing the troubles we face but they can see our reaction to it by the attitude we take. That's why it's important to cast all your cares upon God and allow him to guide you through. Again taking the focus off yourself and even your circumstances and on to God and the everlasting peace only he can provide. I can't know for sure where my journey will take me but I do believe that he has many blessing waiting to happen if I keep taking steps forward in faith. The same is true for you!
So if you have fallen down in life. Don't sit in the puddle and cry. Get back up brush away the fear and frustration. Look up in faith and take the next step.

My Story - Part 2

2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you," says the Lord " For my strength is made perfect in weakness." There was no greater moment of weakness for my husband as he stood by my bed pleading with God to spare his wife from death. God's grace was sufficient and he covered it all!
I awoke a few days later from a coma confused by my surroundings. Mom sat on my bed next to me with concern in her eyes which turned to relief when I said "Hi Mom". Josh was asleep in the chair across the room. It hadn't yet occurred to me that he shouldn't be there. She slowly began to explain the events that brought me there. She told me the Emilee was okay but Hayden had 12" of his intestines removed. He would recover and my father in law was with him in another room. I grieved for my son. I thought of how scarred he must be and worried that he would be in pain. I was his momma, and I couldn't go to him. I wanted so badly to hold him and give him comfort.
That's when it struck me that the accident must have been pretty serious yet I had no memory of it and I felt no pain. I looked down and was shocked at all the bandages and bracing. Mom told me about my injuries and that I was lucky to still have my foot. It had been crushed and the doctors had considered amputating it right away. They pieced it back together in hopes that I could use it again.
I spent the next month in the hospital slowly recovering. My baby had survived the accident and there was high hopes that I would have a healthy pregnancy. On the day I was scheduled to leave the hospital my doctor came in for one last look. He positioned the ultra sound wand over my belly but saw no movement. Fear started to creep in. He turned on the sound. Nothing! He turned to me and sadly announced that my baby was dead! Tears filled my eyes as he turned off the monitor and quietly walked from the room. I was overwhelmed with loss. This hurt was worse than any of the physical pain I had endured. A life was gone, a life I had hoped for.
Needless to say, I went home that day in silence. Somehow I had to trust the God would help me find peace because I could not find it. Philippians 4:7 says "the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ." I prayed for that peace because I couldn't understand why I had been through so much. God was faithful and did answer my prayer. I did find peace though the recovery was long and painful. You see he doesn't always save us from the storm. Some times he teaches us to dance in the rain.
I made several more visits to the hospital for various things over the next few months. Each time I thought "okay, why me again. Can't I just heal and move on. When was things going to get better." Well, then came some good news. I was pregnant again! We were very happy and saw this as the new beginning. I was ready to move on. I got busy with physical therapy and trying to walk and everything appeared to be on the up and up. But, a month later I went back to the hospital. This time with pain in my groin. I feared the worse for my baby and I was right. The ultrasound showed that my baby was dead! We were sent back to my room to wait to be discharged. As I sat on the bed filled with grief I started to feel labor pains. Contractions came and went and I felt the urge to push. The nurse rushed in to help. Then, she suddenly stopped with a gasp and surprise on her face as she held up our little tiny baby in her hand.
He was no bigger that the size of my thumb yet he was perfectly formed. No question that he was a baby even for 11 weeks. Josh and I burst into tears as we held his lifeless body in the palm of our hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. This was my baby! We had a name already picked out for him. And yes we could even tell he was a boy. We took Ethan Doyle Kniss home in a small jewelry box and buried him in the cemetery. We stood over his grave in paralyzing grief, no words would come. Later that night in the darkness of despair I cried out to God " God why? You say to give you glory in everything but how can I give you glory in the loss of my child?" This was too much. When was enough going to be enough.
Then I remembered the story of Job. He had lost everything. All his children, his health, his land and wealth yet he still praised God. I read through his story several times and what God showed me humbled me. I don't get to ask "why". God is the creator of everything. He is the beginning and the end. I was not there when he created the heavens and the earth. I was not there when he formed man. I was not there as his son died on the cross for my sins. That was his ultimate sacrifice for us. Who am I to ask almighty God "why"
My calling was simple. Be still and know that I am God! Rather than get all worked up shouting out that I had been wronged. "Be still.... and know that I am God...." It was in that "stillness" I knew that just as he restored Job he would restore me too. And you know what? He did!
The next year, Brenden was born! A beautiful healthy red headed baby boy. Just when we had given up on the desire to have another baby. Oh what joy we had in holding him! God had taken all that loss and blessed us with our child. I had put all my trust in him and I was filled with the peace that passes all understanding, God's grace was sufficient and the power of prayer was unquestionable. I had learned so much.